In the last week we’ve had snow days, Thanksgiving, a photo shoot, some sleepless nights, some sleep-decent nights, Christmas decorating and lots and lots of baby-admiring, kissing and cuddling!

Kayliana is doing wonderfully. Unfortunately she does have an angry bellybutton (and an umbilical hernia which will likely heal in the next couple of years on its own), so we got some antibiotics for that. And it’s amazing how quickly conversation in a household goes back to revolving around poop and body functions (then again, with two boys, conversation never drifted too far from those topics to begin with). Kayli’s a bit constipated so every BM is like World War III and the successful outcome is parade and celebratory-worthy. Usually, we just high-five each other for getting through the crying spell and we praise Kayliana like pooping was the equivalent to curing world hunger. Sorry, TMI? That’s life with a baby, baby!

Kayli’s been a pretty darn good sleeper and twice now has gone for a SIX HOUR stretch. Both of which ended with me throwing open her door and running into her room in a panic. Why hasn’t she woken up?! She responds by grunting, squinting one eye open at me – we call this her “One-Eyed Pirate” – and clearing asking, “Why can’t a girl sleep in around here without everybody freaking out?!”

Just like all members of the Martin family, Kayliana is a true genius: she, at two weeks old, has already smiled (not gas-related, I swear!) and even squirmed and giggle-grunted when Zachary tickled her toes this morning. The fact that Zachary got Kayli’s first (sorta) laugh out of her filled this new big brother with ridiculous amounts of glee and pride.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a baby to go gaze at.

I’ve held off on writing a description of “the moment” for a good reason. (“The moment” of course is when Mia placed her daughter into our arms giving us permission to raise her as “our” daughter). Joy prepped us for this moment as best she could – “it will be surreal and emotional and difficult. You’ll never be in a room so full of mixed feelings. You’re filled with gratitude and elation; meanwhile the other people present are in deep grief. It’s tangible.” Later, when I asked Joy how our “moment” compared to the others she’s witnessed she said it was probably the fastest hand-off she’d ever seen (Mia wanted to get it over with), but it was full of the most raw emotion she’s ever witnessed.

We stood with Joy out in the hallway waiting for Mia’s counselor Alethia to tell us they were ready. As if you can ever be ready for that moment. I tried so hard to be present and yet it was a bit out-of-body at the same time. Part of why I don’t want to describe this moment is it isn’t solely mine. It is Kayliana’s. It is her birth mom’s. It was a shared moment, and I want to respect that. I’ll just say that Mia – placing Kayliana into my arms – was the most intense awe-inspiring, gut-wrenching moments I have ever – and probably will ever – experience. After exiting the room, we walked down the hall. I was crying tears of joy while her birth mom cried tears of grief. I gazed at my daughter’s face and watched as Kayliana opened her eyes and looked at me – her mom – for the very first time.

I am thankful that we’ve had biological children because it makes me so much more able to understand – to try to imagine – the painful decision that Kayliana’s young birth mom faced. How do you give up your baby? It takes a very special and strong young woman to make such a loving sacrificial choice for her child. It seems pointless to say thank you to Mia (which we have); we know it will never be enough. It seems pointless to give Mia a gift (which we will); we know it will never be enough. We will send her pictures and updates, and when she’s ready she’ll get to see us and Kayliana a few times a year. That will never be enough. I’ve heard from birth moms that they know they’ve made the right decision in choosing adoption. They never regret their decision. The days do get a little easier but that a tiny piece of their heart will always be missing.

My heart breaks for Mia even while it’s bursting with joy and love for our Kayliana. It’s an interesting feeling – this joy-grief thing.
After we got home from the hospital after that “moment,” I finally sat in the rocking chair in “Baby Girl’s” room holding Baby Girl. I had it – the (other) moment that I said I’d have when I could really believe that this was true. She is ours. I rocked Kayliana in my arms in her room, in our house, and just let the tears of joy and the sighs of relief happen. She really is here.

To say that we all fell instantly in love with her is an understatement. I’ve said this several, several times, but Matthew did really sum it up best when he said, “I like her MORE than love…like I just don’t even know the word.”

And yes, I did put the first bow on Kayliana. And yes I happened to also have one in my hair. And no, I didn’t ACTUALLY match us on purpose. (If I had I would’ve had a red one on for crying out loud)!

Definitely in the top five best days of my life...today we brought our daughter home. My cup runneth over.

We have one more day until we meet our daughter – at 12pm tomorrow we’ll be seeing her (in person) for the first time AND bringing her home! BUT we did at least get to see some pictures today! Mia sent me a text this morning asking, “Do you want to see pictures or leave it a surprise?” I QUICKLY responded: PICTURES!!! I am terrible at not peeking at Christmas presents too ” Within moments we had three pictures emailed to us. The close-up photo has absolutely seized my heart and not let go. I can’t stop looking at it and feeling an immense urge to speed to the hospital right now and repeatedly kiss those cheeks!! Soon enough, soon enough.

Kayliana – the name – has brought a few raised eyebrows and questions. I expected this, and I am more than ready to explain this BEAUTIFUL and somewhat unique name.

Mike and I wanted to come up with a name that would fit our family but also pay tribute to birth mom Mia and this beautiful multi-racial baby. So, one day we sat around brainstorming (with my dear friend Rachel present as well), we narrowed down to two names that we really like: an Irish name and a Hispanic name. We also wanted a name that wasn’t Mia but kind of in the same sound-family. (Vague, I know, but it makes sense to me). We knew that the middle name would be my mom’s: Therese. The Hispanic name, Ariana was lovely but wouldn’t work ‘cuz then she’d be ATM and people would always be asking her for money. Ariana means “gracious and merciful” or “very holy.” (Pretty loft goals, eh?) And the Irish name, Kayleigh means “One who is like God” – an even loftier goal! We threw the names around a bit and right about the time that we were all name-brainstormed out, Rachel suggested combining them into Kayliana. With the optional just Kayli working too. I loved it right away, but even throughout the evening would occasionally forget what that one name was that Rachel came up with. At bed that night I prayed about it, asking that we come up with the perfect name for this perfect baby for our family. In the morning, my first waking thought was: Kayliana. And I just knew. Also, to add extra meaning: Kaylia is the Hawaiian version of Cecilia (my Confirmation name and the Patron Saint of Music) and of course Ana is a form of Ann – my middle name and Aunt’s name. So many meanings, so perfectly fitting and beautiful if I do say so myself.

And I’d now like to address the gender thing. Yes, even though two doctors told Mia that this was a girl-baby I was pretty incredulous as we’d been told once before that we were having a girl. I would not trade my two boys for ANYTHING, but we did go into this adoption thing feeling called to add a daughter and little sister to our family. I pretty much spent the last several weeks having an internal struggle: “What if they’re wrong? What if it’s a boy? I’ve got a lot of pink this time ‘round!!” Mike reassured me daily that it was a girl. Rebecca reassured me daily that it was a girl. A LOT of people thought I was crazy for thinking maybe it wasn’t a girl. My neighbor always said, “Fingers crossed and thinking pink!” Oh, me of little faith.

Yesterday morning, I drove myself to insanity. We knew Mia was pushing and that at any moment we’d hear the news. I prayed incessantly for Mia and for Baby (too scared even at the moment to say Baby GIRL). I finally handed Mike my phone and told him to babysit it while I took a shower. I had just closed the bathroom door when I heard the ‘beep’ that would change my life.

I flew out of the bathroom yelling, “I heard it!! I heard that beep!”

Mike laughed, “Yeah, I figured that when the bathroom door banged open.”

Shaking like a leaf, I sat down on the bed next to Mike. He opened my phone and the first thing I saw was “Baby Girl Born.” I started kicking my legs, screaming, sobbing, laughing, snotting, snorting and saying “YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY, YAY!!!” all at the same time. Mike just laughed at me and grinning from ear-to-ear said, “I told you so. And so did the doctors.”

“BUT I DIDN’T BELIEVE IT!” I wailed. I didn’t believe that for once, things might actually go the really, really awesome way where the doctors are actually right. We’ve always had the motto that, if there’s a small percentage of something – we’ll be there. This was applied to: a less than 5% chance of having a reoccurrence of cancer, doctors saying there was only a 5% chance of having a boy (who totally rocks, by the way), a 10% chance that Mike would need surgery on his foot, a 2% chance that I’d go into preterm labor, etc. We are medical marvels. We are the 2-10% that make doctors have to tell you that, yes, there is small, seemingly impossible unlikely outcome. So you can understand that I needed something really big to make me believe in what doctors have to say. Well, I’m a believer. Hallelujah!

It is (literally) a dark and stormy night, but there’s nothing but sun shining on us! Cheesy? Absolutely. True? Positively. After four long days in labor, our birth mom gave birth to Kayliana Therese sometime this morning (before 10:30, but we don't have an exact time). She weighs 8.2 pounds and is 21 inches long. We don't know what she looks like yet or when we'll get to see her (hopefully tomorrow) or when we'll get to bring her home (tomorrow at the VERY earliest, probably more likely to be Wednesday or later), but we know that she is already one very well-loved little lady. Birth Mom Mia is doing well and spending some time with Kayli before she lovingly places her into our arms.

Today’s the day! About two hours ago, Joy called to inform me that – while there’s no baby yet – Mia IS five centimeters dilated. There’s finally a dim light at the end of this lengthy tunnel (even longer for Mia, I know).

So, what do you do when you know that in a matter of hours you will have a baby? (Albeit, a baby who won’t actually be in your arms, coming home with you for at least 24 hours +). I could be productive. I even toyed with the thought of getting Christmas stuff out early (something that fills me with joy and requires a fair amount of time). I don’t have any kiddos here right now since the boys are still with my parentals. It would certainly be easier to decorate with no kidlets under foot not to mention an infant to care for. But, no, I’m not doing it. I’m not being productive at all. I should use the time to go to the gym, to read a book, I should WRITE a book, for crying out loud. But instead, I’m doing something rare for me. (Obviously, right now, I’m doing this…). I’m RELAXING. I’m RESTING. I’m in a place of peace and calm and contentment. I’m sitting cuddled under my favorite blanket. I’ve finished my coffee am now drinking water and in a bit may have some hot cocoa complete with mini-marshmallows. I sat and peeled and ate two Satsuma oranges thinking about how our lives are about to change and how incredibly hard but worthwhile this journey has been. I’m having moments of deep thought, reflection and prayer but mostly I’m just sitting. And it’s wonderful.

Mike was up VERY late (as in wee hours, as in he came to bed at the time when I get out of bed for my early morning jogs). He’s had deadline after deadline and work has been crazier than ever. Deadline number 2 is, of course, tomorrow. He has two more deadlines and will be done with most of the madness by December 8th. He’s a working madman and he is exhausted. So, thankfully – because there are no offspring here and nothing that HAS to be done – he is sleeping. And if he goes for one more hour, he’ll actually get eight hours! Scratch that, I just heard movement. He got 7 hours.

So, here we are, on the day of the birth of our third child. We sleep. We rest. We wait.

I don’t really know how to begin describing the last 48 hours, no wait 24 hours, no I’m not even sure how long it’s been. It feels like two weeks. What day is it? Where am I?! Anyway…still no baby. This is possibly the longest, slowest, most full of false-alarms labor that I’ve ever-never had ever. Does that make sense? Excuse me if I’m a bit tired. While I admit I’m obviously not the one going through the physical (or even the most of the emotional) fatigue here, this labor is EXHAUSTING. It’s the waiting, the not knowing that is excruciating. The weekend’s been full of highs and lows though mostly more highs than lows and thankfully God’s grace is with me and I’ve even handled the lows “fairly well” (according to Mike). I honestly don’t know if I can even remember the events, but I’ll try. It started Friday late morning with an ominous text from Mia that her blood pressure was high, things weren’t looking so good and baby was not responding. (I had NO IDEA what that meant). Then I was told that they were inducing her with Pitocin at 1pm on Friday afternoon, then told Friday evening that she was induced and in active labor (waited all night for news, heard nothing), Saturday morning found out that Mia had not actually been induced with Pitocin but more docile stuff. Then told she’d be induced at 10am. Then told maybe not until 6pm then told maybe not until 10pm. (All the while, we think that she HAD been induced at the predicted hour, so we’re FINALLY thinking labor is underway only to find out nothing’s happened). November 12th bday? Nope. November 13th bday? Looking like nope. November 14th bday? We can hope!!

Turns out, we’re possibly having a baby tomorrow. Joy called on Wednesday to let us know that Mia will very likely be induced tomorrow…I don’t know what time, I don’t know why, I don’t know when we’ll actually get to see Baby, I just know that we made it to 38 weeks (woohoo!) and as Joy said, we should prepare for a possibly “confusing and chaotic time at the hospital this weekend.” (Meaning, emotions will be running high for us and obviously for our birth mom and her family and really, anything can happen. This is terrifying and exciting. It’s terrixciting. It’s excifying). At the earliest, Baby will be coming home with us on Sunday!!

Ever since I got the news, I’ve been a nesting fool. I’ve never been able to nest before. Matthew came five weeks early and being in the hospital for 7 weeks pre-Zachary obviously didn’t provide the opportunity either. I must say that knowing approximately-exactly when a baby is coming is definite motivation for major productivity. I’ve actually made meals ahead of time to freeze! I’ve done tons of laundry and the cleaning – man, the cleaning! Today, I touched up the master bathroom paint and every floor and counter in the house was vacuumed, scrubbed, and rubbed. When I was in the middle of cleaning-craziness I asked Zachary to pick his toys up off of the floor lest the vacuum consume them. He put his hands on hips and in a dramatic stage voice said, “Mom, how DARE you command us to do all of the cleaning here!” Um, hmmm. Ungrateful little stinker (who is way too cheeky and cute for his own good).

This afternoon, I took the boys to Build-a-Bear. This had been Matthew’s very special “new big brother” activity when Zachary was born, so we decided that since Zach will soon accept this title, he, too, would get to build a friend (and Matthew would get to pick out a new outfit for his). We had such a fun time! Matthew picked an army outfit for his bear (extra appropriate as it’s Veteran’s Day) and Zachary made a puppy, picked a Batman outfit and named him “Batdog.” The boys also get to do a couple of fun things tomorrow before I take them for sleepovers at my Mom & Dad’s. Matthew had been invited to a birthday party for this Saturday. Well, with the news that we’ll be in the middle of having a baby, going back and forth to the hospital, and who-knows-what-all will go down, I mean-mommily decided that it would be a lot easier for Matthew to just skip the party and be in the care of the grandparents. When I broke the (bad) news to Matthew that he’d have to miss Mick’s party because of the (good!) news that Baby Sister would be born he was…uh…dev.a.stated. To put it mildly.

Matthew has claimed for quite some time that adopting a baby girl was all his idea and he has taken much pride in announcing this to many. Well, when he found out that the birth of Baby Sister would seriously cramp his party-going style, he quickly said, “I change my idea.” Well, THIS idea of changing HIS idea of adopting Baby Sister was quickly shot down and I told him I’d try to arrange for a special playdate with Mick in lieu of attending his birthday party. Mick’s mom, my neighbor/friend Julie was so excited about the baby news that she readily offered to bring Matthew along for their family birthday outing tomorrow – to go to a movie and ice cream. So Zachary and are going to go to the Seattle Childrens’ Museum which he is THRILLED about. All of this, while I clutch my cellphone in my hand and pretend that I can think about things non-baby related.

Yep, still babyless. But at least we’ve made it to full term plus some! And we had a wonderful weekend of the perfect combo – fun and productive. I sorted through baby girl clothes, we finished our master bathroom makeover, finished the new tool shed (will need to supply pics soon, eh?), I got a hand-me-down sewing machine (that I’ll have to learn how to use), took the boys to a bowling (their first time ever!) birthday party, I went out for a girls’ night, I went for a run in the sun, cut the grass, the boys rode bikes and did Thanksgiving-themed sidewalk chalk art, we took the boys to lunch and a movie (MegaMind – cute), we went to Target and I bought potential Halloween costumes for the boys (or just dress-up clothes) for $1.20 each (90% off!!!), took Matthew to Faith Formation and then we all went to church. Seriously, could we ‘fall back’ every weekend?! I feel like just getting that extra hour practically added a day!

Last Thursday when we got home from school, it wasn’t rainy – woohoo! So I announced that we needed to go outside for a bit to play. Matthew quickly disappeared into his room. I thought he was changing into his “outside clothes” (a pair of holey jeans that are so broken in and well-loved, I think he farted too hard they’d fall apart into a pile of denim thread on the floor). Matthew came out with an orange sheet of construction paper tucked under his arm and a small pile of stuff that he was carrying on a shoe box lid.

“Mom! I’m going to have a sale to make money!” He announced happily. He dumped everything on to the floor in order to show me the items he planned to sell: Four Lego magazines (that came for free in the mail), two broken squirt guns, a 2010 Transformer calendar, a pair of sunglasses (received for free at the Church carnival), and a Shrek watch from McDonalds. He happily admired his wares as he handed me his price list. It says the following: “Guns are 1 Dollars woth [worth], LeGos MoGusens [magazines] are 2 Dollars, Wock [watch] is E [3] Dollars, cainDr [calendar] is 4 Dollars, Sungasis [sunglasses] are 5 Dollars.”


“Um, k,” I said. I didn’t want to shoot down his entrepreneurial dreams yet I knew that only a crazy (or freakishly nice) person would actually buy this stuff.

When we got outside, Matthew snagged a step-stool from the garage on which to display his merchandise. Then, he explained to Zach that his role was to flag down potential customers – Zachary did this by dancing up down the street in front of our house waving a neon orange flag. (This – all for the entertainment of…no one other than myself). After a while, Matthew got frustrated and asked me where everyone was and why no one was coming to his sale. I explained that – seeing as I’d just learned about his yard sale right before ‘opening’ – the issue could’ve been in the lack of advertising and promotion.

After a bit, we’d had all of one car drive by and one young man out for a run (who didn’t even look at the boys let alone admire the merchandise for sale). Right when I thought Matthew would start to get very frustrated I saw a mom approaching on a walk with her probably four-year-old daughter. Oh no.

Zachary started jumping up and down waving his flag like the-checkered flag-waver at the end of a car race. He pranced towards them waving his flag yelling, “You wanna come to our sale? My brother’s having a sale!” Matthew stood there quietly; with his arms behind his back like a serious and focused salesman. Head in the game.

The mom and girl stopped to admire Matthew’s goods. Matthew started into his quiet shpeal: “I’ve got Lego Magazines and a Shrek watch and squirt guns…” The mom looked at me and I smiled sheepishly torn between the two truths of the moment: I don’t want to destroy my sensitive kid and ruin his good mood and his brave go-get-‘em attitude, but I also don’t want people to feel obligated to buy random junk (at quite steep prices!) from my child.

The mom smiled kindly at Matthew and said, “Oh, what a bummer, I don’t have any cash with me.”

Well, unfortunately, this is a statement that the boys hear from me often. Any time they desire some small (or large) item I’m able to play the “I don’t have any money with me” card. Which, sadly, Matthew has also asked about and now understands that mommy rarely carries actual dollars but those plastic cards in her wallet are kinda like money.

I could see where this was going when Matthew said, “Well do you have any --- ”

I cut him off quickly and said, “Oh, that’s OK. We don’t accept credit cards, Matthew.” Matthew smiled glumly at the mom and girl and waved them off. (You’re no good to me with your lack of dollars.)

Upon sensing defeat, Matthew came over to the vegetable garden where I was pulling dead plants out of the weed-infested beds.

“I know!” Matthew said brightly. “I bet Chuck and Kim have money!” (Referring to our wonderful next door neighbors to the north).

“Um, well, Matthew, that’s not polite to say. It’s not OK to just go to people saying, basically ‘give me your money, I know you have some.”

Matthew turned away sadly and headed back to man his sale. A little bit later, Matthew came back and asked me quietly, “So, how COULD you ask someone…like not for their money but…” I could see where this was going and as we’ve been working on building his self-confidence I figured this could be a really good teachable moment. I was proud of him for not giving up. Any other day, he would’ve been quick to dissolve into frustrated tears.

“Oh!” I said, removing my gardening gloves. “What you can do is invite people to come to your sale. You can just nicely invite them saying ‘Hey, I don’t know if you’re interested, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m having a yard sale, so ya know, if you want to come by…’”

Matthew was practically sprinting across the yard before I could finish.

Zach beat us to Chuck and Kim’s front door where – unfortunately – I realized the little punk had already rung the doorbell repeatedly for several seconds.

“Zachary!” I chastised. “That is SO rude. If Kim is home you better apologize as soon as she opens the door.” And then much to my chagrin, the door opens and there stands poor Kim looking like HELL.

Zach – bless him – VERY quickly said “Sorry for ringing your doorbell lots of times.”

“Oh, that’s OK,” she said weakly, “It just took me a while to get to the door. I was downstairs on the couch watching TV. I’m sick.”

Oh geez. Oh great. “I’m so sorry!” I say, feeling more and more embarrassed that not only did we disturb her but she’s sick AND now Matthew is kinda going to ask that she buy broken crap from him.

Kim waves me off like ‘no big deal, don’t worry about it’ as she starts coughing like crazy into her elbow. “Chuck’s out of town for work, which I suppose is good ‘cuz I’m no fun to be around. The doctor thinks I probably have pneumonia.” Oh excellent. We disturbed my neighbor. Who is sick. And taking care of herself. And has pneumonia. And we rang her doorbell an obnoxious amount of times. And we’re asking for money. Awesome. We’re like the best next door neighbors. Ever.

“What’s up guys?” she asks weakly, smiling at the boys.

Matthew – visibly mustering up braveness – steps forward slightly and says, “I’m having a yard sale.”

“Oh!” Kim says looking over at me. I – standing behind Matthew – shrug my shoulders like ‘Uh, yeah, I don’t really know what to about this’ but I also shake my head like ‘No, seriously, do NOT feel obligated to humor this.’

“Well, I would definitely come over but I’m pretty sick and I don’t want to spread my germs,” she says. I give her a thumb’s up to her…sickness…as a perfect excuse.

“How long is your sale going on?” She asks Matthew seriously. He looks at me.

“Well, I don’t know since I just found out about it a few minutes before it began today, but I’m sure we could do it another day. And maybe that day Kim will feel better and she could stop by.”

Kim nods seriously, “Matthew, if I’m better the next time you have your sale I will definitely come over. Maybe I can find some toys for my grandkids.”

Matthew smiles, “I’ve got squirt guns!”

“Annnd, maybe before our next sale, we could find some more toys to add,” I say. Like ones that work and aren’t ghetto and broken.

Kim asks if we have any baby news – none. We tell her to rest and feel better. She wishes Matthew luck with the sale which – as soon as we get back – he decides is done for the day and he packs up. Closing time. Thankfully, Matthew doesn’t seem at all disappointed that he had no sales. He talks about all the stuff they could sell next time.

Meanwhile, I make a mental list of items to purchase (not from Matthew) to put together a get-well basket for Kim. We deliver it the next day. Making sure to only ring the doorbell one time.

This will be a brief (but accurate) update for the non-facebookies or those seeking more detail.

So, on Friday, I went to an appointment with Mia (who was then at 36 weeks, 1 day). When I got there I found out that her blood pressure was really high and they were a bit concerned, so they sent us to the hospital so that she could be “observed for the next 24 hours…or have a baby.” When they checked her BP upon arrival at the hospital it was perfectly normal and good, so they discussed discharging her…then she mentioned that she had lower back pain and cramping. Right, those would be contractions, and sure enough they started to pick up on the monitor. So, then it looked like she wouldn’t be going home. I had to leave after an hour to go do music for Matthew’s class Harvest Party; Mia promised to keep me posted.

At 7:30pm, I received a text message (Mia’s fave form of communication) saying that she was going home. Then, two hours later I got another saying, “Actually, I’m staying for now.” We went to bed wondering if we’d actually have an October baby rather than a November one. However, Saturday morning at 8am I received a “Annnnd, now I’m goin’ home” message. OK.

Then tonight I received, “Back in the hospital, will give you updates.” To which I responded, “Like baby’s comin’?” To which she responded, “Like induction.” (Isn’t text message correspondence riveting?!). So, we scrambled like mad, got the boys bathed, fed, and rushed up to my parents’ for the night only to receive this message: “I get to go home” and “nope” to my question of the induction actually happening. I’m confused and I obviously don’t have all the details. She was evidently feeling something at home – enough to take her to the hospital and enough for them to say “Yeah, let’s get this baby outta there” but then they changed their minds…?! Why? Anyway, Thursday will be 37 weeks and ‘officially’ full-term and it really WOULD be nice to follow the baby-baking rules for once and not always be jumping the gun and doing the early baby thing! At least we know that Baby Girl is already a week and at least a pound over where we got with either of the boys.

Halloween was great, by the way. We went to the BEST party and had a lot of fun trick-or-treating. Check out our cuteness!