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Monday, August 02, 2010

Last night I threw a full on, kid-in-the-candy-asile-not-gettin’-no-candy tantrum. It was good. And impressive. And totally pathetic.

Here we are, yet again, taking another turn riding the Adoption Roller Coaster. To be read in a monotone voice with no actual enthusiasm:: weeeeeeeee. It’s funny – just like our personality traits – the thing that can be the best, the biggest blessing, can also be the worst and most pain-in-the-but causing aspect to this. It’s COOL that this is so out-of-our-hands. As a control freak, it’s very good for me – but very freakin’ hard! – to just give it all up and trust that everything will work out. (Yet, I know it will, and I know that’s what we’re supposed to do about everything).

So, a pregnant birth mom has come in to the Agency. She knows she’s having a girl. Everything looks good and healthy. She’s due November 25th (as in AFTER the National EE Convention we’re working on). The description of Birth Mom’s personality could’ve been someone describing me. And Birth Dad sounds like an imitation Mike. Birth Mom’s hobbies include: computer games (Mike), art (more Mike than me, really), writing (uh, that’d be me), reading (also me), animals (more Mike than me, I suppose but sorta both of us) and music (yep, right here). Oh, and unlike a situation we found out about last week (from which we were disqualified), this Birth Mom WANTS the family to already have kids. To make the situation even more enticing there are some other aspects to Birth Mom’s personal life (that I shan’t share here), that sure seem like this is the most PERFECT situation yet. It really does have everything that we’ve been praying for. So, I’ve been praying for it. And I mean, PRAYING THAT SHE PICKS US.

I haven’t done this yet. This one feels different. I WANT this one. I feel like I NEED this one. I DESERVE this one. (Yeah, do you hear the whiney kid-in-the-candy-aisle kickin’ in? She’s here!) With the other adoption situations that we’ve been presented with, I’ve gotten excited, but I never thought: This is TOTALLY it. I never actually prayed, “Look, here’s the situation: I really want this one. Please, please, please can we have it? Please can this be The One and have Birth Mom pick us, k? It’s everything we’ve prayed for. This MUST be it!” No, I’ve been a good patient girl (OK, not really), and just prayed more for my acceptance if things didn’t go our way. (Is that a sign that I must’ve known DEEP DOWN that it wasn’t “The One? Whereas with this one I’m just BEGGING that it be The One and make it so!)

So, I’ve tried to push all doubts from my mind. We are, again, one of 10 families in the running for Birth Mom to choose. We are family #3 in the stack (just based on how long we’ve been in child search). So, there are two families’ books above ours, two families who have waited a tad longer, but she can still pick any family 1-10. Yes, so there’s still only a 10% chance that we’ll get picked. [whiney] BUTIWAHNIT.

Finally, last night, after we put the boys to bed, I gave in to the doubt. And then it became a whole discussion of faith. I started crying to Mike that really, if we – obviously – will get The One that is intended for us, then what’s the point of even praying that this be The One?! We’ll get The One whether we pray for it or not, right? (I realize that I’m watering everything down and that obviously there is point to prayer, but in the depths of my dark realization that after this week of praying and pleading and petitioning….I still might not get my way). I even start questioning the whole process: Am I being selfish asking for this specific thing? Do I not DESERVE it? I don’t ask for much personally, so come on! But we do have two healthy children already, so who am I to deserve another? Is this the equivalent of me asking that our very comfortable income suddenly double? (Which I’d never do). But am I being greedy? Maybe I don’t deserve to have three healthy kids including boys AND a girl.

Mike’s most comforting comment was the reminder that with each adoption situation that we’ve seriously thought about, they’ve gotten better. Every single one has seemed better than the last. So, IF this one, isn’t The One, then it just means that there’s actually one even better out there.

“So?” I grumble, folding my arms like an attitude-stricken-teenager. “I want this one. I don’t want those other ones. How could there be one more perfect than this?”

“But we’ll only know about those other ones if this one doesn’t work out,” he says.

“So, what are you saying?” I snap. “You don’t want this one to work out?”

“No,” he calmly assures me, “I’m praying that this is The One, also. And I WILL be disappointed if it doesn’t work out, but I know it means that there’s something better still out there.”

Yeah, yeah, Mr. Trusting-Oh-Faithful-One. I know that in my HEAD, it’s just hard to accept it in my heart.

Unfortunately, in the middle of my tantrum-emotional-outburst, Matthew wandered into the kitchen.

“Mommy, are you sad?” He asks quietly.

“I’m OK, kiddo. Just…tired and a little frustrated.” I didn’t really know how else to explain it.

Then Mike adds, “Mom’s just having a hard time figuring out what God wants.”

“Oh!” Matthew says, like OF COURSE, I should’ve known! “Well, yeah, God IS hard to understand.” Then my little mini-philosopher wanders back down the hall to his room.

A couple minutes later, as Mike and I continue to talk in the kitchen, I hear singing coming from the boys’ room. Matthew is singing – at the top of his lungs – one of my favorite songs, “I’m Yours.” It’s a Jason Mraz hit but was also covered by my favorite (a capalla) group Straight No Chaser and THAT version mixes “I’m Yours” with the Hawaiian (Israel Kamakawiwo'ol’e’s) version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” It’s pretty much musical magic. (When I was in wallowing in the pit of post-partum depression, the second Mike got home from work, I used to go in the backyard and listen to Israel K’s song on repeat while trying to push out every last tear of grief…I never really ran out though). Essentially, it’s a song that – especially when sung by my six-year-old – can warm my heart and bring me to tears without fail (in a GOOD way).

I wander down the hall and see Matthew sitting up in bed. As soon as he sees me the singing stops and he grins. “I just thought I could sing it to help Zach fall asleep, and it did! And then I thought, ‘Hey! If I sing it loud enough mommy can hear too and it will make her happy.’ Did it work?!”

“Yes, it did.” I give him a hug and whisper, “You’re such a sweet boy.”

Matthew acts coy and says, “Well, you’re just going to make my heart fill up with love and explode, Mom.”

I know if this Birth Mom doesn’t pick us it will hurt. I know if this Birth Mom doesn’t pick us it will be OK. I know that I’m more than blessed already and anything else will just be sprinkles on the cake. (My cake already has LOTS of icing). But I would like some sprinkles too.

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