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Thursday, January 28, 2010

I feel overwhelmed. I’m stressed. I’m tired. I have the reputation with many friends as “The Busiest Person” they know. I don’t like this reputation; I think I’ve always had it though. But part of me wonders, if I did ‘less,’ would I feel useless? If I actually spent more time at home doing the things that need to get done – the things that pile up and stress me out ‘cuz I’m not at home getting them done – the dishes, the laundry, cleaning up the kitchen clutter, oh! And I dunno! How about spending some more quality time with the two kiddos we have before adding a third one to the mix?! There’s a thought!

I worked THREE jobs in college, WHILE taking full credits every quarter so that I could graduate in three years and get married. Then as soon as I was married, I just wanted to be done working and have kids to stay home with. Then shortly after kids, I felt like I should start working a little bit again. Now, I feel like I’m so torn between home and work. When I’m teaching, I’m missing out on stuff at home; when I’m home I spend time doing everything that needs to be done because soon I’ll be teaching again. Am I workaholic?! But I’m stressed. I LOVE teaching music, and I’m good at it, so does that mean I kind of owe it to everyone? (My family? The world? Future musicians? To share my talent to their benefit?? But is my own family suffering because of it?) What to do?!

And really, there’s the whole staying at home mom vs. working mom thing which I’m not even getting into. I don’t care about that argument right now, because I AM home most of the time, I just need to figure out what I need in order to feel more at peace. How do I personally get fulfilled in home-work life and outside-of-home-work life? Right now, I’ve got: a National Convention to plan, a half marathon to train for, Engaged Encounter retreats to lead/attend, books to read, healthy meals to plan and cook, writing to write, and then music classes to teach – two days a week, plus two extra days a month (for Zach’s preschool).

I’ve been saying for some time now that “something’s got to give;” I just can’t keep doing it all of it, all of the time. I may fall apart. And the time has come to figure out what exactly it is that’s got to give…because I’m starting to fall apart. I can’t give up the National Engaged Encounter Convention – cuz we’ve been asked to do it, and WILL do it; I can’t give up our EE retreats because that’s quality marriage time for Mike and I which is crucial to a healthy, happy marriage and therefore family. I can’t give up running a half marathon because that’s for ME – completely, selfishly, totally for me. I can’t give up reading and writing because that gives me Sanctuary. I can’t give up planning and cooking healthy food because that’s for the wellness of the whole family. I CAN control how much I teach, so….what to do? What to do?

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