What is it with Kara (my laptop) and caffeine? OK, the same can be asked of me. Yesterday, I watered her with my Diet Pepsi. I guess it’s just been way too long since Zach gave her the coffee bath, so it was high time for a caffeine fix. I think I’ll start using Zach’s no-spill sippy cups for my beverages too. It was almost a slow-motion, out-of-body situation as I watched my hand reach out and tip my glass over (I really did bump it in an strange, almost on-purpose sort of way). When I yelled something to the effect of, “Oh no!” or “Crud!” (one of the kid-friendly curses), Matthew said, “What’d you do, Mom?” As I frantically mopped off Diet Pepsi, I explained the obvious, “I spilled my Diet Pepsi and a little bit got on Kara.” Matthew sat there calmly and said, “Well, why’d you do that?” It’s a good question.
So, I finally got myself into the doctor to have this Strep Throat situation taken care of once and for all. Except that it wasn’t taken care of at all. The first Strep test came back negative – although I was reassured that that test does occasionally have false negative readings, so a second swab was taken to be sent to the big, fancy lab where the results are always 100% accurate. After looking at my throat and getting the negative reading, the doctor – who I’d never had before – sat down on the stool next to the table and said very seriously, “You have a very bad sore throat. There are some things that I want you to do to help this get better.” I was pleased that he was taking my lame throat epidemic so seriously and he was very intense about it. He got out his prescription pad and I thought, ooh! Yea! Even though the test came back negative he’ll still give me the magic drugs that will heal my weary throat. In doctor scrawl, he scribbled on the pad, and then handed the top paper to me. It said, “SALT + WARM WATER = gargle x3 x3days.” Wow. This is what I paid money for. And I’m so glad that he spent years and tens of thousands of dollars on medical school to write an in-depth explanation of how to do a salt water gargle. He also wrote “Advil/Ibuprofen = 3 tabs x3 x3 days.” He wants me popping nine pain killers a day for a sore throat?! Yeah, it’s lame. It hurts really bad in the morning and really bad at night, but nine pills a day?! I’d much rather have one little antibiotic pill to take each day that will take the bad sore throat germs away. In conclusion, he added, “If this does not work – three days of three times salt water gargling and three days of three times taking three tablets of pain killers, then call the office. After three more days, if your throat is still in pain, we may just call in the Antibiotics for you.” I’ve had the sore throat for nearly three weeks, but because I saw the doctor and got this magical cure, it’ll suddenly and finally be better? In three days? After THREE weeks? THREE days of gargling and supposedly THREE days of THREE times of THREE pain killers. Three. Three. Three. That word starts to look weird when you have to type it so many times. (It’s tree with an H in it, I might add).
Essentially I left the doctor’s office with the following, “It’s probably not Strep, it’s just a bad sore throat. You’re a wuss. Go home.” Maybe I should have told him how much the swallowing-daggers sore throat takes away from my morning coffee and dose of antioxidants. All I know is I liked it better when I had self-diagnosed with something that had a name. That sounded a lot more impressive and sympathy-worthy. I’ll just name it now, I have Swallowing Daggers Throat. The only cure is THREE extra dark chocolates xTHREE xTHREE days. There! See, I could be a doctor too!