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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Shocker: I’m stressed. This whole last-four-weeks ‘til adoption due date thing is a little more stressful than exciting. Don’t get me wrong, I’m VERY excited and EAGER for this all to happen, but it’s SO out of my hands (which, yes, so is pregnancy)…and I’m dealing with the stress by eating for two! This is not good. I don’t actually HAVE two to eat for. And I have a prom dress to fit into this weekend (for Halloween). I repeat: this is not good.

Last week, I found out some news that really bummed me out. Maybe I’m just way too optimistic about how this whole thing will go down, but I really thought that it would play like this: Mia would text us (or tell her counselor who would tell Joy who would tell us) that she’d gone into labor. We’d maybe even do the whole middle-of-the-night thing and call a neighbor to stay at the house until my parents could come. Mike and I would rush off to the hospital and pace in the waiting room eagerly anticipating the moment when a nurse comes out and says, “Come meet your daughter!” And then we’d even get to stay in a room with Baby Girl because everyone knows that those first few hours are extra delightful for bonding. That’s how it went down in my head.

Like most thoughts in my brain, that’s not reality as it turns out. Originally, Mia’s birth plan was that she wouldn’t hold the baby at all (knowing that that would make things harder), well, that’s changed and I really can’t blame her. Now, we won’t get to go to the hospital until a good while AFTER baby is born and Mia has had a chance to have some one-on-one time with the baby. I TOTALLY understand this, it just, ya know, will make the wait a little longer which, ya know, is a little – a lot – hard. So, we’ll get a call that Mia is in labor and then probably have to wait a full 24 hours until we get the call saying, “OK, she’s here! NOW, you can come to the hospital and meet your daughter now.” That’ll be a LONG 24 hours. (But obviously a lot longer for Mia, I’m sure).

This is such a balance – it’s a balance between getting too excited but also keeping a guarded heart. It’s a balance between thinking that I AM important in this equation and knowing that, right now, it is – and should be – primarily about the birth mother. It’s a balance between being excited that I’m not the one to go through labor and nursing and yet aching with the lack of physical connection that I will have with this newborn and wishing that I could be the one to do those things. It’s a balance and balance has always been a challenge for me.

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