Today

It’s St. Patrick’s Day Eve.  I’ve amused myself with thoughts of dad partying in heaven with St. Pat himself.  Will they wear shamrock-shaped plastic green glasses?  Will they eat corn beef and cabbage? Weird.  Heaven.  What the heck is it like?  I have no stinkin’ clue. 

Today is one of those days.  I could tell from the moment I woke up this morning.  I just knew I wouldn’t be able to shake it today.  I got through Mass alright – despite the fact that Father Todd’s homily was, of all things, about Heaven.  I got through a stop at the grocery store afterwards.  I got upstairs to my room, and then I was done.  I was done getting through it.  I finally gave in.  Gave up.

I just don’t like it.  I know that sounds dumb – and duh! – but it just hurts.  It hurts my heart and it hurts down to my toes and it hurts to breathe.  And then I hurt because I feel guilty.  I feel bad that I’m lying on my closet floor having a total sob fest while Mike makes lunch for the kids, takes Kayli to the bathroom, gets the boys doing an activity.  I feel guilty because I know dad would be mad that I’m just giving in and having a serious pity party when my family needs me.  I’m totally playing hookie from helping at the boys Faith Formation (Sunday school) class right now.  I told Mike, “Tell them I’m not feeling well.”  It’s not a lie.  I’m completely stuffed up from crying and have a massive headache now.  I don’t feel well. 

It’s still weird.  It’s still completely surreal and just doesn’t make sense.  It’s been about three and a half months now.  I don’t know if that’s long or short any more.  In another couple of weeks – April 1^st – we’ll go through another one of those “firsts.”  The first time it’s dad’s birthday with no dad.  A friend told me that those firsts are hard, yes, but there’s so much build-up and expectation to them being “so hard” that there’s almost a letdown when you realize, huh! It’s not that bad.  But then the really hard hits at other times, at unexpected times, at kind of doesn’t-make-any-sense times.   I guess today is one of those times. 

And we had a great week too.  A really, really good week.  We had our first baseball practices and they went well despite some frustration (our best player’s parents took one look at the team his kid got put on and decided to go to a different league.  Now our team is SO much less experienced/talented than the others it’s kind of funny. Oh well.  It’s good to be the underdogs – people have no-to-low expectations for you and you can really only go up from there).

 Another great thing this week: Zachary and I got to go see The Lion King on Friday night.  We were given tickets by my dear friend’s dear mama and I’m still in awe of the generosity.  We had great seats and Zach was on the aisle.  When the hyenas came down a couple lunged and barked at him.  He totally jumped and grabbed my arm – but loved every minute of it.  He’s been talking about it nonstop for the last two days and has repeatedly said, “I just can’t pick my favorite part, Mom.  I just can’t do it.”  (I’ve assured him that it’s perfectly alright to not be able to pick one – I can’t either).  Of course, aspects of the musical were hard: Simba’s dad dies for crying out loud.  (Oh, sorry. Spoiler alert).  But that musical made me cry even before dad died – the Circle of Life opening number with all the animals is just breath-taking.

And last but not least, a huge great thing this week: Disneyland called.  They were responding to the letter that I wrote voicing frustration with aspects of our visit (the number of rides closed, breaking down, etc.).  I was pretty surprised when the caller i.d. on the phone literally said, “Disneyland.”  Disneyland is inviting us back and will be providing us with five 2-day park hopper tickets that we can use in the next two years.  We were already planning on a So-Cal trip June of 2015 (for an Engaged Encounter convention), so this will work out awesomely. Looks like we’ll get to go back to Disneyland!!

These are all great things.  There are so many great things about my life and I know that and am so thankful.  It just sucks when I can’t fully experience and feel just how great it is.

It’s just one of those days.