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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I had a terrible, awful, horrible dream last night – a true nightmare. It was one of those where you wake up gasping for air and praying that it was, in fact, just a dream. The gist of it was: because of my busyness and rushing about and just being negligent, Kayliana died in a horrible accident. Awful. As I lay in bed trying to recover, I fought the urge to check on her (knowing that she was, of course, fine) but decided against it as she’s the lightest sleeper and merely turning her door knob would wake her up. She’s been having a rough time sleeping already with her back molars cutting through; waking her up would’ve just been purely selfish.

But we’ve all had those dreams, right? Where something awful happens but then we wonder: what the heck does it mean?! In my sleeplessness, I analyzed this nightmare and had – what at 4am seemed like a major revelation – this nightmare was a gift. I feel like it opened my eyes (ha! Literally) to something that I’ve been ignoring for too long: and that is my children. Obviously, I take care of them and love them unconditionally and think they’re freakishly genius, ridiculously cute, insanely clever and witty little people, BUT I’m pretty sure that I kind of suck at spending quality one-on-one time with them. Occasionally it happens and we make time to read with them everyday, we talk during dinner, blahblahblah, but I’m thinking of all the time in-between. The little moments – whenever they come up – are full of the to-do’s and the busyness and are rarely spent just BEING with my family. I’m here – my body is – but I’m mentally doing a thousand things and simultaneously doing many others (dishes, laundry, cooking, checking stupid time-sucking facebook or email…and how many times a day does one really need to check the news?!). I feel constantly overwhelmed by all of the ‘stuff that needs to get done when probably about 90% of said-‘stuff’ is my fault or my (subconscience or selfish) choosing.

The laundry, the dishes, the house, the REALLY unimportant computer stuff WILL get done but it CAN wait. Kids can’t always. They won’t always be this age. They won’t always want to have dance parties, color together, cuddle on the couch and read, etc.

So, New Year’s resolution coming a bit early this year (but really, not early enough)…My Oprah-ah-ha-full circle moment: Pay attention. Slow down. Snuggle more. Internet surf less. Stop the insanity!!


Carmel said...

This reminded me of an article my friend posted. Good for you for being so insightful. Important for all of us to pay more attention to those we love.

Anonymous said...

Love the reminder!!
Thank you, Jenny!
Merry Christmas to you and your beautiful family!!

Becky Posten

Laura said...

I don't know if everyone has dreams of that caliber, but I've experienced quite a few night terrors related to my 10 month old son. I understand the horror---waking up, not realizing it's not real, bawling your eyes out...

I wish I could tell you how to make them go away, but I've not been able to figure that out myself. Suffer on, and suffer not in silence.