I find myself quite prone to moments of reminiscing lately. And for good reason – a couple of rather significant dates are upon us. A year ago today, August 5th, marks the day that I was taken on one of the lowest-low/highest-high rollercoaster rides of my life. Within two hours I went from utter disbelief, grief and despair to uncontrollable sobs of joy and feelings of exhausted relief. We found out that Mia – Kayliana’s birth mom – had NOT picked us as her number one family. I could NOT for the life of me wrap my mind around this. I knew what our social worker Joy was telling me. I understood the pointless words attempting to comfort me – “It just wasn’t meant to be…you’ll find the perfect baby for you, I promise…this just wasn’t the one…” – but they made no sense. I remember feeling and saying over and over, “But it just felt so right. How could it feel SO right? I prayed and prayed and I SWEAR this was it. It felt like The One. How can it not be us when I just KNEW that it would be?!”
Then, a couple hours later, my cellphone rang again telling me that it was Joy calling. How appropriate; it WAS joy calling! Mia’s number one family had backed out (which hardly EVER happens) and Mia was thrilled that we were now (by default) her choice. (Joy assured me, Mia had been torn between the two of us families until the very end; she really was genuinely excited and relieved. We were meant to be her family.)
I know things don’t always turn out that way. We don’t always get our fairy tale ending. Life isn’t supposed to be like that. Most of the time when it happens that way (especially when it happens that way for others around me), I can’t really understand it – how can things happen so seemingly easily for other people? Why can’t it be that way for me? But, as most of us know, it’s the cloudy, rainy days that help us appreciate the sunny blue skies all the more.
The other date is next Thursday, August 11th when Mike and I will celebrate another joyous (yet RIDICULOUSLY stressful and emotional day) – our Tenth Wedding Anniversary! Here’s the Ah-Ha moment that I’ve had: Without fail ALL of my BEST days have also been at times my worst days and I think I finally get it.
OK, actually, no I don’t. I’ve sat here for the last five minutes looking at that “and I think I finally get it” trying to figure out what it is that I ‘finally get’ and then wondering why the heck I’m lying to my own face. I don’t get it. I don’t understand why our wedding day couldn’t be a near flawless joy-filled event. I can’t comprehend why we never got to enjoy being Newlyweds because of going through the suckiness of Chemo and Radiation. And since we’re heading down the pity party road: Why were none of my pregnancies/births ‘sorta’ normal?? (I know there’s no such thing as a ‘normal’ pregnancy). I’m trying – for ten years now – to learn from Mike’s example: to accept that I don’t always understand why things happen. Don’t question. (But that whole “Why do bad things happen to good people?” thing is KINDA totally lame). Just trust. And I do trust that through all of the ups and downs, everything that has happened – the good and the bad – has gotten us to where we are right now. It’s gotten me to a place where I strive to live in the moment (though I often fall short), to appreciate all good that does come our way (though I still tend to be a big whiny baby). It’s helped me recognize what’s important in life (but I do still love shoes too much!) I KNOW just how very blessed we are to have what we have – a house, an income, amazingly supportive family and friends, three healthy amazing children, and an incredibly strong, loving marriage.
Today, August 5th, I’m thinking back to a year ago when, in the end, our prayers were answered. We KNEW that someday our daughter would be home with us. And she is. She is so, completely our daughter; she is such a miracle.
And on August 11th, I will be celebrating that ten years ago what needed to happen, happened. I married my best friend and I’m the luckiest woman in the world.