Stormy Skies

 It’s funny – not at all, actually – how it can still hurt so much sometimes.  I feel like I’m doing alright, but it’s always there and I have to just stop ignoring it and living through the pain and just totally embrace it.  I think about dad in nearly every moment.  Silly things that I just wish I could tell him or that he could see.  I wish he could see Kayli ride her bike.  I wish I could tell him about the boys – and even me! – knee boarding while we were camping.   I want to talk to him about my brother Chris in his very own apartment – and how well he’s done with the huge change.

I also feel guilty for feeling sad.  I know that’s dumb because loss is loss and grief is grief.  But when I hear about tragedy in the world, when I think about how some people lose their loved one in such heart-breaking and tragic ways, I do feel badly for asking the ‘why me? Why him? Why us?’ questions.

My mom told me that a friend of hers from Port Ludlow stopped by to see her new place.  Mom said this friend ‘still can’t really believe it.  He was the healthiest and most active of all their friends.’  “She’s really in shock.”

“Aren’t we all?” I’d said.

Mom’s been so busy – so nonstop since dad died – figuring out managing/hopefully selling properties, taking care of Chris’ needs (filing the required 3 year guardianship report with the court was a completely overwhelming task), moving both Chris and herself.  She hasn’t had a second to really process I don’t think.

Next Tuesday, August 26^th would’ve been mom and dad’s 47^th wedding anniversary.  I don’t even know how to help her with that one. 

We just celebrated our 13^th anniversary on the 11^th. Again, these are the moments – the firsts – since dad died; every single event has an undertone of grief for me and it sucks.  I just can’t 100% fully celebrate anything.  But I do my best. 

Rebecca watched the kids for us on the 13^th so that we could have a just-us date which was lovely and a much-needed night out. On the 11^th, we didn’t have a babysitter so we decided to do something special as a family.  We went to the Newcastle Golf Club for dessert and drinks.  Shortly after we arrived, Zachary handed me a folded piece of paper.  He’d made us a card and brought it with him.  It had our names in a heart and a picture of our family holding hands. 

We watched and listened to the bagpiper.  As he played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the sun turned into a glowing ball of red and fell into the clouds before setting.  After the sun set and it grew darker, we were able to watch a little bit of a lightning storm over the hills to the East. 

I suppose you could say the sky that night – with the serene sunset on one side and the wild storm in the other direction – was similar to how I’ve felt since dad died.  It’s a constant mix with sudden bursts of ugly, angry grief and yet also peaceful acceptance – understanding that the way dad died was beautiful and being thankful for that despite how hard it is.

We've packed a ton into 13 years -- Cancer, pregnancies, preemies, bed rest, adoption, moving, grief...

but always with a heck of a lot of love

July

 

This girl is ready for all the fun summer has to offer!

Cousins!  I was always jealous of the kids who – when growing up – got to spend time with other fun, young cousins. Our family’s all spread out so it was an especially rare, special occasion to see cousins.

We’re always happy to see Mike’s sister, Jamie, and her husband, Daniel.  Now, it’s even more fun since we all have kids. 

Tucker is adorable-pants. I especially loved seeing how much he idolized his big boy cousins – particularly Matthew.

We had a great 4^th of July – heading down to our local park’s festivities and fireworks.  Saturday was spent leisurely hanging out our house.  The kids played outside, did sidewalk chalk, drove remote control cars (along with Uncle Dan), we went to the kids’ school to play and then went to dinner at Red Robin.   It’ll be fun to watch these cousins as they all grow up.

The week after their visit, Zach spent a week doing acting-theater camp with his buddy, Elliott. At the end of the week, they put on a 15 minute version of the Wizard of Oz. Zach was the palace guard and OWNED his part.

Our next big summer event was a wedding.  My dear friend, Erin, from book club, got married – woohoo!  The kids got to go to the wedding too which is always so exciting.  Kayli LOVED the reception – wandering from table to table and telling people they looked beautiful.  She even told beautiful bride Erin, “I like your dress.” And she and a little blond boy had a bit of a break-dance battle.  It was such a fun day to celebrate a beautiful couple.

 The clean up so 'purty

 

 (Reception photo-bombing Matthew)

My fave book club girls (and Kayli)!!

When we got home from the wedding, we adjusted bikes so that Kayli could now ride Zach’s (with training wheels).  Zachary now has Matthew’s old bike.  And Matthew is using my brother Chris’ bike.  Kayliana – no surprise here – is a natural on the bike and will probably be ready to have those training wheels removed way before her big brothers did.

 

The morning after Erin’s wedding, we headed out for Ike Kinswa State Park for our 5 day camping trip with our best friends Jason and Rebecca.  Some of Rebecca’s family was there (techinically we were crashing THEIR annual camping trip and they were kind enough to let us – at least to our faces they seemed OK with it).  Rebecca’s dad stayed the whole time we were there which was super fun (and not just ‘cuz he took us out almost every day in their boat).  All of the clan boys tried to and succeeded at knee boarding!  We were most impressed with Matthew who failed to pull himself up the first day he tried but never gave up.  On his last try on the last day, he did it!  I was so proud of him…and so inspired that I decided to try it!  I’m not one to do anything TOO daring, adventurous, exciting or…fast, so this was a pretty big deal (to me anyway). 

I brought my dad’s 2 man tent back from Port Ludlow for the boys to sleep in.  They did awesome…until 3 am on our last night/morning, when we woke to yelling.  Matthew was vomiting all over himself, his sleeping bag and his air mattress.  Zach was trying to get away from him (near impossible in a tiny tent).  We spent an hour cleaning Matthew up.  We moved Zach into our tent.  Matthew slept in the car and eventually we went back to bed. Thankfully Matthew woke up feeling a lot better and I woke up on that, our last morning, with the feeling that: DANG! You know it’s been a great camping trip when – even after dealing with a 3am puke-episode – you wish the fun didn’t have to end.

Rockin' her 'camping dress'

I feel like this is the epitome of a photo that, 10 and then 20 years from now, they'll try to recreate.